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“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” – Bill Maher
“It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s, boom! There’s Valentine’s Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine’s Day just called, ‘Who could love you?'” – Laura Kightlinger
“Let me tell you why I hate Valentine’s day: Because a few years ago on Valentine’s night I thought I would have nice romantic evening in with the lady. Little did I know, that same night, her ex-boyfriend decided he would win her heart back. And being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way to do this was to get all coked up and then jump through a window and try to murder me. You know what, it worked. They’re still together.” – Doug Mellard
“Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for their mother? Doesn’t that freak you out a little? It’s like, ‘I don’t know how to break this to you but I think she’s banging your dad!’” – Russ Meneve
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Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”– Jay Leno
“Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.” – Alan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce from MASH
“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” – Charles Schulz
“Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” – Stephen Colbert
“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.” — Johnny Carson
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“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” – Woody Allen
“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.” – Laurence J. Peter
“Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” – Lewis Black
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“Oh, here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” – Robert Pattinson
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“Love is hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.” – 30 Rock
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